I can text with my tongue
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
whose parrot is this?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
