Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
