Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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