I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
false alarm, still single
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
