so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
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