Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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