At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Is it penis luge time yet?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
