I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
