omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
