the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
