remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
