I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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