I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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