Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
