I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Everclear isn't food dammit
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
