there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
