We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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