You just made me feel so damn special
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
