im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
