sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
