i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Randomize
