i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
