I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you win again, gameday.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize