All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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