so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
