My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
