It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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