My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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