I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
