Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
