I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Be still, my beating vagina.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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