The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
