My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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