That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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