k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
