you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
