The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
