his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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