genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Dignity is for republicans.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
