On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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