mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
