sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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