How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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