Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Randomize
