God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
grandma shit on top of the toilet
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
