awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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