drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
