Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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