saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
