If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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