I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
