i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
