Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
