They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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