My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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