You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
