She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
