I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
