I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
